Thinking About It

Tuesday night I could not fall asleep for anything. The soles of my feet felt like they were on fire. So when hubby's alarm went off at 6:30 a.m., I decided I would just get up and get the day's most pressing order of business done--paying his seat belt ticket at the local courthouse. Before they opened, I took my son for breakfast at McDonald's which was really nice because it's been quite a while since just the two of us went out to eat :)

When we got home I still could not sleep! Finally, around 11:00 a.m. I passed out and slept for 3 hours. When I woke up I started applying at different places--as in not work-at-home places. I haven't worked outside the home since 2002.

In 2007, I had a bad case of pneumonia. Couldn't breathe, eat, hardly could walk, barely could talk, freezing with 3 blankets and a sub-zero sleeping bag, coughing up blood, etc. Even though I was hardly able to think or speak, I panicked and came down with severe anxiety and panic attacks. Since hubby was an over-the-road truck driver I was here alone with my son who had just turned 4. I had this immense fear that I would die in my sleep and he would find me. This also led to my insomnia :(

After that, I had pneumonia 6 more times. So germs and "contamination" are always in the front of my mind. Paranoid? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that once you have pneumonia that many times and half of them to the point of coughing up blood, and it takes literally months to feel back to 100%, it really makes you scared.

To summarize:

• Anxiety/panic attacks
• Fear of germs/contamination
• Always catch every single cold/flu that makes the rounds
• Do not like being "seen" (this has been the case since I was a teenager though)
• Continued rib pain from all the violent coughing

So maybe I am "crazy", but I had a doctor and NP tell me that it was understandable. However, neither one of them could help me with any of my issues.

Maybe if I DO get one of the jobs (which are not in healthcare) then it might help me some. Like the act of being out in the "world" will draw me out of my anxiety/panic/fear mode. Or, maybe, it could just make me sick again and I would end up being fired for missing X amount of days soon after starting.

I don't think I would ever quit MT though since I do LOVE medical things so much, and really don't think I could ever work in any other medical field due to the reasons above.